DIRTY PICTURES

I decided to send dirty pictures for the first time. I figure for someone as sexually intrigued as I am it was about damn time I check off that box (Mom & Dad, I'd stop reading here). So I decide A) I gotta do it when I'm horny (which consumes most hours of my day anyways...so wasn't too worried about that) and B) I'm not going to tell him I'm doing this; I'll just suprise him with the pics. Simple enough, right? WRONG. Taking sexy pictures is really difficult. I'd almost venture to say it is an art form....that I have not yet mastered. The way this photo shoot went down was anything but sexy. It was comical really. So here's how it played out...

1) I try on about 6 different outfits. Okay maybe "outfits" is giving myself a little bit too much credit in the lingerie department. It was more like different combinations of undergarments. I decide on a black thong, black thigh highs, and black heels. I snap a test shot and quickly realize that there is nothing sexy about this outfit. The thigh highs are too tight on the thighs and singe them like they are some form of Nikelodeon Gak. Furthermore when I lay down, since I decide I'm going to do the shot from the waist down, these fabulous, patent leather, hooker heels hanging off the side of the bed oddly resemble the Wicked Witch of the West lying dead under the house. I had to change outfits. I change into a pair of thigh highs (don't be fooled, I really don't own that many pairs) I bought with an ex at the Pleasure Chest in Hollywood. They're like a really cheap, shitty pair, of whore hose with a garter belt attached all in one. If I recall correctly, I put them on with my ex and he laughed... However, these comical hose seemed to photograph well. The only problem was that there was a hole in the toe, but I figure if I point hard enough the toe won't be seen and my legs will look more defined...sure Leah. I throw on a pair of pink and black panties to complete the ensemble.

2) I now must figure out a way to contort my body so that is looks sexy and natural, instead of forced and uncomfortable, which in reality it was. Determing what angle to take the shot is a whole other story for another day. Let's just say I have now seen myself in ALL ANGLES. So were now about a good 15-20 minutes into my sexy photo shoot. I've got my outfit on, I figure out my positioning, I have the exact angle, I point my toe and start clicking away.

3) I now have about 30 pictures of myself that are virtually the exact same that I have to sort through. If anyone was to look through my phone I would simply not have an explanation for the gallery of photos that, again, all pretty much look alike. I would be forced to ask,"Sooo, you got a favorite?" And that's exactly what I did. I figure I can't send my dude a montage of pictures because that would be a little aggressive and borderline weird. So since I can't exactly hit up my girfriends to help me sort through half naked photos of myself, I decide I'll hit up a guy I used to sleep with...cause that's normal right. SO I send him a text that says "Hey you! I could use your help. Call me ASAP." He's slightly still in love with me so I knew he would jump all over this. So he calls, I tell him what's up, he's slightly distrubed by the fact that I'm hitting him up to help me choose pics for another guy, but whatever he obviously jumps all over the chance to see these pics of me. I send him the pics but preface it with the fact that if he should show these to anyone I will tell all of his friends how he yodels when he cums.

4. I now have my 2 pictures picked out (that only took about 30+ minutes) and a huge side of confidence. I get all excited and send the 2 winners to my dude. I anxiously anticipate what he will respond with, especially after all of the love I got from this other guy I used to bang. So 22 minutes later (yes, I know the exact duration of time that passed because I'm BAT.SHIT.CRAZY) he responds with "You should wear those more often." THAT WAS IT!!! "You should wear those more often"!!!! WTF. SO I just wasted about 40 minutes of my life trying to take these pictures, reached out to a guy I used to sleep with who now won't go away and has half-naked pictures of me to be told "You should wear those more often". I wanted to respond with "I would, but there is a huge fucking hole in the toe and they're itchy as fuck." But of course I didnt and wrote back "Next time..."

I'm Boardwalk, You're Oriental Avenue.

I find that a Monopoly board accurately displays the game of hooking-up. In both games, you decide to play, you pick your pawn, you start at GO, and you strategize a win. However, unlike in Monopoly, in the game of hooking-up you need to know where you're valued on the board. This is very important. Because in this game there is no rolling of the dice or flipping of cards to maneuver you on the board. (Imagine that you are a little person walking on the board, starting at GO) So ask yourself: Am I Boardwalk...or Am I Oriental Avenue? It is imperative that you know your value because this knowledge will keep you out of jail, away from paying income tax, and closer to passing GO and collecting $200. SO LET'S GET STARTED!!!

RULES OF THE GAME:

1. PICK YOUR PAWN:
will you flash your RACECAR, entice others by wearing a TOP HAT, or lure them in with a DOG? Like in monopoly you use a pawn to help you on your quest. PAWN: a peon, or in other words a powerless person; often used to describe someone or something that is used or manipulated. Why not? If you got the Aston Martin bring that bad boy out. It will only increase your stock. (Don't hate the player, hate the game)

2. UNDERSTAND THE 4 QUADRANTS OF THE BOARD:
One must fully understand the 4 quadrants of people and their values for two reasons: (1) you need to know where to classify people so that you know their expectations (2) you need to know where to classify yourself so you know what to expect...know your boundaries and limitations.

-Q1: Mediterranean Avenue to Connecticut Avenue: Those who fall in this quadrant tend to be peoples' last resort. They're what's left over at the end of the night. They linger around, hope you're drunk enough, and take just about anything that comes their way. They're available, cheap, no standards for the buyer, an agent is completely unnecessary, and you don't have to go very far to obtain this person. My Advice: if you're in Q1 then stick to what you know; it's probably best to let someone hit on you; and try not to take it personally...you're not fully to blame for your unfortunate classification.

-Q2: St. Charles Place to New York Avenue: Q2 is what I consider to be the generic quadrant. This is your generic male and female...nothing exciting. Whether it be their personality, looks, style, job, whatever it is they just don't stand out. People actually tend to notice Q1 more than Q2 (but not because of a positive reaction). Most people frolic in this quadrant...in varying degrees...but the vast majority of people are Q2ers. Relatively inexpensive, standard, you really just need decent credit to grab up one of these. My Advice: if you're in Q2 then you're not completely an unfortunate victim, so maybe see what you can do increase your stock. Now I'm not saying you'll be able to leap up to Q3...but maybe you'll be a more distinguished Q2...perhaps a Q2 1/2...(sky's the limit right)

-Q3: Kentucky Avenue to Marvin Gardens: Here we go, now we're in the game. Quality starts here. Those in Q3 stand out for one reason or another. They're alluring, interesting, distinguishable, and of value (to mankind). The test to determine if you're a Q3er: there is a magnetic quality to you and people will be drawn to you. Not your friends and family. I mean the general public will feel your force. They don't come cheap. Those in Q3 pick their buyer, set their price, and evict without notice. My Advice: Q1s and Q2s...don't hurt yourself. But if you're another Q3 or Q4 then go for it confidently...because a Q3 knows that there is still a step above them. Their bark is bigger than their bite. Q3s do have the opportunity to rise to a Q4.

-Q4: Pacific Avenue to Boardwalk: HELLO! If you're a Q4 then you know who you are and we know who you are. Very few make it to Q4...and at that, there are varying levels within Q4. They're unattainable, not for sale, immaculate people. Men and Women envy those in Q4. They usually only frolic in their quadrant. My Advice: BUYER BEWARE!

3. CHANCE SPACES:
You will encounter CHANCE in the game. This is the time where you will have to weigh risk vs. reward...this is where you will have to take a gamble. You have the option here to remain at the level you have progressed to on the board OR you can take the chance and try for the next level. However, should the next level not be obtainable you may risk losing the place you were at, get stuck with nothing...or worse have to take the leftovers. The choice is yours, and yours alone.

4. JAIL
Jail is anything that could go wrong. Any position that you find yourself in that you don't want to be in...that's jail.

5. FREE PARKING:
If you make it to free parking then take it. Cause paying for parking fucking sucks. So you didn't pass Go or collect $200. Get over it. Enjoy the Free Parking.

6. WHO'S THE WINNER?:
Great question. In this game there is no specific winner. You determine your success in the game. It's all about strategy.

QUICK TIPS:
1. determine your value so that you are not overvaluing nor undervaluing yourself
2. take a chance
3. if the chance fails, don't take them anymore
4. stay away from Reading Railroad...weird shit happens there
5. if you're Oriental Avenue and you get the opportunity to make it to Boardwalk (if you get the chance to hook up with someone out of your league) - don't get cocky, don't get nervous, get confident and GO GET IT. Also, make sure to see all that Boardwalk has to offer because it's only a short vacation.

Geico In Wonderland

Drugs make magic happen.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ_fnYhI1HU

Can You Do That????

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Do You Hear What I Hear???...You Bettaaaa.

Women hear what they want to hear. It doesn't matter what a guy says to a woman; she's going to hear exactly what she wants to hear...and then she's gonna get mad at you when you didn't hear it too. That's right, she's not going to understand what you don't understand about what she understands you said. Guy says, "I'm hungry." He means he's hungry...and hungry enough to say it out loud. Girl hears, "He's takin me to dinner...we're goin on a date...we're gettin married." But if a woman says to another woman "I'm hungry," that's not what she's going to hear. She's just going to hear that girl's hungry. So THEN she's going to call/text/email/ichat/morse code with her girlfriends to confirm the translation of the "I'm hungry." (hazzard lights should be flashing DANGER DANGER DANGER) This should be illegal. Women counseling each other is a bigger detriment to society than drugs. The money the government uses on drug trafficking should be put towards the trafficking of womens' thoughts. IT MUST BE STOPPED. Cause once a woman starts to seek out the opinions of other women, the sky's the limit for the translation of "I'm hungry." If her girlfriends say he's saying he wants her to move in...then it must be true cause her girlfriends don't lie. So now she's all dressed, told everyone that she's got a date, and she calls him: "Where are you?" He says, "I'm at the Olive Garden with Billy. What are you doin?"...We all know what happens next. Women are crazy. We are. We're completely and totally psychotic. Of course we're irrational, we are so pumped with hormones that I scare myself. The only saving grace to our psychosis: The Power of The Pussy. (i know hate that word too, but I really like alliterations) Men stick around for this nonsense for one reason: women hold the power to open the gates of Narnia...and we know it. So do you hear what we hear??? Fuck no, of course not...but you better find a way to make it seem like you do.

Welcome to Hollywood. What's Your Dream?

Welcome to Hollywood. Thank you for choosing Wish Upon A Star airlines. Please proceed to your nearest dream!!...where you will take a number, stand in line, and we'll watch to see how high you're gonna climb. Cause this is Hollywood; we're all out here on a dream. Yeah sure, you have your doctors, lawyers, financiers, etc., etc. who aren't here to follow a dream. You have the born and raised LA kid who calls the West Coast "My Coast"...but let me tell you something kid: I'm sure your daddy came out here on a dream. So congratulations, neato, I don't give a fuck cause I'm not talking to you right now. So here's the thing, some dreams come true and some don't. It's the nature of the beast. Someone has got to stop telling little kids "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up;" cause little kid it just doesn't work like that. Let me tell you how it works: Your dream in Hollywood needs...MUST be outweighed by your talent. Otherwise, just keep on dreamin. Now dreams come in all forms. I'm not just talking to the musicians, actors, writers, and directors. I'm talking to the gold-digging girl who moved here from Omaha, the vegan homeless man in Santa Monica, and the I-haven't-touched-a-carb-in-10-years personal trainer; because there are 50 more just like you and another 100 coming up on your tail. You have to SHINE to get your name in glitter in this town. So if you have talent and a dream then step right up and show us what you got. If you have a dream and no talent to back it, then get on out. Traffic already sucks. When it takes me three lights to actually get through the light...I think: shit we got too many talentless dreamers this month. Have I ever heard the saying hard work and dedication met with preparation yada yada yada?...Yes moron, I've heard the saying and FYI all those sayings are written by the people who HAVE talent. Here's my saying: If you've got talent (meaning you can make the ordinary look extraordinary), then be in the right place at the right time and do something about it; cause once you do...you're allowed to DREAM BIGGER DREAMS. From all of us in The Magic Kingdom, we hope you enjoy your stay in Hollywood.

Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.