I decided to send dirty pictures for the first time. I figure for someone as sexually intrigued as I am it was about damn time I check off that box (Mom & Dad, I'd stop reading here). So I decide A) I gotta do it when I'm horny (which consumes most hours of my day anyways...so wasn't too worried about that) and B) I'm not going to tell him I'm doing this; I'll just suprise him with the pics. Simple enough, right? WRONG. Taking sexy pictures is really difficult. I'd almost venture to say it is an art form....that I have not yet mastered. The way this photo shoot went down was anything but sexy. It was comical really. So here's how it played out...
1) I try on about 6 different outfits. Okay maybe "outfits" is giving myself a little bit too much credit in the lingerie department. It was more like different combinations of undergarments. I decide on a black thong, black thigh highs, and black heels. I snap a test shot and quickly realize that there is nothing sexy about this outfit. The thigh highs are too tight on the thighs and singe them like they are some form of Nikelodeon Gak. Furthermore when I lay down, since I decide I'm going to do the shot from the waist down, these fabulous, patent leather, hooker heels hanging off the side of the bed oddly resemble the Wicked Witch of the West lying dead under the house. I had to change outfits. I change into a pair of thigh highs (don't be fooled, I really don't own that many pairs) I bought with an ex at the Pleasure Chest in Hollywood. They're like a really cheap, shitty pair, of whore hose with a garter belt attached all in one. If I recall correctly, I put them on with my ex and he laughed... However, these comical hose seemed to photograph well. The only problem was that there was a hole in the toe, but I figure if I point hard enough the toe won't be seen and my legs will look more defined...sure Leah. I throw on a pair of pink and black panties to complete the ensemble.
2) I now must figure out a way to contort my body so that is looks sexy and natural, instead of forced and uncomfortable, which in reality it was. Determing what angle to take the shot is a whole other story for another day. Let's just say I have now seen myself in ALL ANGLES. So were now about a good 15-20 minutes into my sexy photo shoot. I've got my outfit on, I figure out my positioning, I have the exact angle, I point my toe and start clicking away.
3) I now have about 30 pictures of myself that are virtually the exact same that I have to sort through. If anyone was to look through my phone I would simply not have an explanation for the gallery of photos that, again, all pretty much look alike. I would be forced to ask,"Sooo, you got a favorite?" And that's exactly what I did. I figure I can't send my dude a montage of pictures because that would be a little aggressive and borderline weird. So since I can't exactly hit up my girfriends to help me sort through half naked photos of myself, I decide I'll hit up a guy I used to sleep with...cause that's normal right. SO I send him a text that says "Hey you! I could use your help. Call me ASAP." He's slightly still in love with me so I knew he would jump all over this. So he calls, I tell him what's up, he's slightly distrubed by the fact that I'm hitting him up to help me choose pics for another guy, but whatever he obviously jumps all over the chance to see these pics of me. I send him the pics but preface it with the fact that if he should show these to anyone I will tell all of his friends how he yodels when he cums.
4. I now have my 2 pictures picked out (that only took about 30+ minutes) and a huge side of confidence. I get all excited and send the 2 winners to my dude. I anxiously anticipate what he will respond with, especially after all of the love I got from this other guy I used to bang. So 22 minutes later (yes, I know the exact duration of time that passed because I'm BAT.SHIT.CRAZY) he responds with "You should wear those more often." THAT WAS IT!!! "You should wear those more often"!!!! WTF. SO I just wasted about 40 minutes of my life trying to take these pictures, reached out to a guy I used to sleep with who now won't go away and has half-naked pictures of me to be told "You should wear those more often". I wanted to respond with "I would, but there is a huge fucking hole in the toe and they're itchy as fuck." But of course I didnt and wrote back "Next time..."
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