I'm Boardwalk, You're Oriental Avenue.

I find that a Monopoly board accurately displays the game of hooking-up. In both games, you decide to play, you pick your pawn, you start at GO, and you strategize a win. However, unlike in Monopoly, in the game of hooking-up you need to know where you're valued on the board. This is very important. Because in this game there is no rolling of the dice or flipping of cards to maneuver you on the board. (Imagine that you are a little person walking on the board, starting at GO) So ask yourself: Am I Boardwalk...or Am I Oriental Avenue? It is imperative that you know your value because this knowledge will keep you out of jail, away from paying income tax, and closer to passing GO and collecting $200. SO LET'S GET STARTED!!!

RULES OF THE GAME:

1. PICK YOUR PAWN:
will you flash your RACECAR, entice others by wearing a TOP HAT, or lure them in with a DOG? Like in monopoly you use a pawn to help you on your quest. PAWN: a peon, or in other words a powerless person; often used to describe someone or something that is used or manipulated. Why not? If you got the Aston Martin bring that bad boy out. It will only increase your stock. (Don't hate the player, hate the game)

2. UNDERSTAND THE 4 QUADRANTS OF THE BOARD:
One must fully understand the 4 quadrants of people and their values for two reasons: (1) you need to know where to classify people so that you know their expectations (2) you need to know where to classify yourself so you know what to expect...know your boundaries and limitations.

-Q1: Mediterranean Avenue to Connecticut Avenue: Those who fall in this quadrant tend to be peoples' last resort. They're what's left over at the end of the night. They linger around, hope you're drunk enough, and take just about anything that comes their way. They're available, cheap, no standards for the buyer, an agent is completely unnecessary, and you don't have to go very far to obtain this person. My Advice: if you're in Q1 then stick to what you know; it's probably best to let someone hit on you; and try not to take it personally...you're not fully to blame for your unfortunate classification.

-Q2: St. Charles Place to New York Avenue: Q2 is what I consider to be the generic quadrant. This is your generic male and female...nothing exciting. Whether it be their personality, looks, style, job, whatever it is they just don't stand out. People actually tend to notice Q1 more than Q2 (but not because of a positive reaction). Most people frolic in this quadrant...in varying degrees...but the vast majority of people are Q2ers. Relatively inexpensive, standard, you really just need decent credit to grab up one of these. My Advice: if you're in Q2 then you're not completely an unfortunate victim, so maybe see what you can do increase your stock. Now I'm not saying you'll be able to leap up to Q3...but maybe you'll be a more distinguished Q2...perhaps a Q2 1/2...(sky's the limit right)

-Q3: Kentucky Avenue to Marvin Gardens: Here we go, now we're in the game. Quality starts here. Those in Q3 stand out for one reason or another. They're alluring, interesting, distinguishable, and of value (to mankind). The test to determine if you're a Q3er: there is a magnetic quality to you and people will be drawn to you. Not your friends and family. I mean the general public will feel your force. They don't come cheap. Those in Q3 pick their buyer, set their price, and evict without notice. My Advice: Q1s and Q2s...don't hurt yourself. But if you're another Q3 or Q4 then go for it confidently...because a Q3 knows that there is still a step above them. Their bark is bigger than their bite. Q3s do have the opportunity to rise to a Q4.

-Q4: Pacific Avenue to Boardwalk: HELLO! If you're a Q4 then you know who you are and we know who you are. Very few make it to Q4...and at that, there are varying levels within Q4. They're unattainable, not for sale, immaculate people. Men and Women envy those in Q4. They usually only frolic in their quadrant. My Advice: BUYER BEWARE!

3. CHANCE SPACES:
You will encounter CHANCE in the game. This is the time where you will have to weigh risk vs. reward...this is where you will have to take a gamble. You have the option here to remain at the level you have progressed to on the board OR you can take the chance and try for the next level. However, should the next level not be obtainable you may risk losing the place you were at, get stuck with nothing...or worse have to take the leftovers. The choice is yours, and yours alone.

4. JAIL
Jail is anything that could go wrong. Any position that you find yourself in that you don't want to be in...that's jail.

5. FREE PARKING:
If you make it to free parking then take it. Cause paying for parking fucking sucks. So you didn't pass Go or collect $200. Get over it. Enjoy the Free Parking.

6. WHO'S THE WINNER?:
Great question. In this game there is no specific winner. You determine your success in the game. It's all about strategy.

QUICK TIPS:
1. determine your value so that you are not overvaluing nor undervaluing yourself
2. take a chance
3. if the chance fails, don't take them anymore
4. stay away from Reading Railroad...weird shit happens there
5. if you're Oriental Avenue and you get the opportunity to make it to Boardwalk (if you get the chance to hook up with someone out of your league) - don't get cocky, don't get nervous, get confident and GO GET IT. Also, make sure to see all that Boardwalk has to offer because it's only a short vacation.

Geico In Wonderland

Drugs make magic happen.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ_fnYhI1HU

Can You Do That????

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Do You Hear What I Hear???...You Bettaaaa.

Women hear what they want to hear. It doesn't matter what a guy says to a woman; she's going to hear exactly what she wants to hear...and then she's gonna get mad at you when you didn't hear it too. That's right, she's not going to understand what you don't understand about what she understands you said. Guy says, "I'm hungry." He means he's hungry...and hungry enough to say it out loud. Girl hears, "He's takin me to dinner...we're goin on a date...we're gettin married." But if a woman says to another woman "I'm hungry," that's not what she's going to hear. She's just going to hear that girl's hungry. So THEN she's going to call/text/email/ichat/morse code with her girlfriends to confirm the translation of the "I'm hungry." (hazzard lights should be flashing DANGER DANGER DANGER) This should be illegal. Women counseling each other is a bigger detriment to society than drugs. The money the government uses on drug trafficking should be put towards the trafficking of womens' thoughts. IT MUST BE STOPPED. Cause once a woman starts to seek out the opinions of other women, the sky's the limit for the translation of "I'm hungry." If her girlfriends say he's saying he wants her to move in...then it must be true cause her girlfriends don't lie. So now she's all dressed, told everyone that she's got a date, and she calls him: "Where are you?" He says, "I'm at the Olive Garden with Billy. What are you doin?"...We all know what happens next. Women are crazy. We are. We're completely and totally psychotic. Of course we're irrational, we are so pumped with hormones that I scare myself. The only saving grace to our psychosis: The Power of The Pussy. (i know hate that word too, but I really like alliterations) Men stick around for this nonsense for one reason: women hold the power to open the gates of Narnia...and we know it. So do you hear what we hear??? Fuck no, of course not...but you better find a way to make it seem like you do.

Welcome to Hollywood. What's Your Dream?

Welcome to Hollywood. Thank you for choosing Wish Upon A Star airlines. Please proceed to your nearest dream!!...where you will take a number, stand in line, and we'll watch to see how high you're gonna climb. Cause this is Hollywood; we're all out here on a dream. Yeah sure, you have your doctors, lawyers, financiers, etc., etc. who aren't here to follow a dream. You have the born and raised LA kid who calls the West Coast "My Coast"...but let me tell you something kid: I'm sure your daddy came out here on a dream. So congratulations, neato, I don't give a fuck cause I'm not talking to you right now. So here's the thing, some dreams come true and some don't. It's the nature of the beast. Someone has got to stop telling little kids "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up;" cause little kid it just doesn't work like that. Let me tell you how it works: Your dream in Hollywood needs...MUST be outweighed by your talent. Otherwise, just keep on dreamin. Now dreams come in all forms. I'm not just talking to the musicians, actors, writers, and directors. I'm talking to the gold-digging girl who moved here from Omaha, the vegan homeless man in Santa Monica, and the I-haven't-touched-a-carb-in-10-years personal trainer; because there are 50 more just like you and another 100 coming up on your tail. You have to SHINE to get your name in glitter in this town. So if you have talent and a dream then step right up and show us what you got. If you have a dream and no talent to back it, then get on out. Traffic already sucks. When it takes me three lights to actually get through the light...I think: shit we got too many talentless dreamers this month. Have I ever heard the saying hard work and dedication met with preparation yada yada yada?...Yes moron, I've heard the saying and FYI all those sayings are written by the people who HAVE talent. Here's my saying: If you've got talent (meaning you can make the ordinary look extraordinary), then be in the right place at the right time and do something about it; cause once you do...you're allowed to DREAM BIGGER DREAMS. From all of us in The Magic Kingdom, we hope you enjoy your stay in Hollywood.

Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands

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Toilet Paper Roll On Top Of Empty Roll

When the toilet paper runs out you will obviously not change the roll...that would just be silly! Instead, you will place the brand new roll on top of the empty cardboard cylinder that resides on your toilet paper dispenser. AND (most likely) that cardboard cylinder has been chillin there for what has now been multiple toilet paper exchanges. If what I have just described sounds all too foreign to you, perhaps even a little shocking, then you lead an unbearably rigid life...so for you I have provided a clip-art exhibit of this mastery.
Yes, that's right...MASTERY. What you see above takes skill, precision, and a comprehensive knowledge of true laziness. Do you have any idea the level of focus it takes to get the bulky, weighted, fresh roll to stay atop of the empty cardboard without it rolling off?? Okay, let's be honest...not much, but there is something to be said for the fact that it's like these dispensers were manufactured in such a way that they are suited to hold toilet paper not fastened in the dispenser. Huge fan of options...gotta love options. So why do we do this??? Why do we not simply remove the empty roll and replace is with the fresh roll?? This confusion only becomes more baffling when you consider the idea what we are sitting on the toilet and our hands have absolutely nothing to do...now that's what I call discipline in the art of laziness at its best. After fully pondering this subject and since I cannot call on the resting soul of Aristotle (I tried, he didn't answer)...I have come to the conclusion that this is just one of those ever-eternal questions that will remain unanswered.