For Here or to go

So I am not sure if it's just a California thing, but you know when you go to get your coffee in the morning and they ask you, "For here or to go?" Well if you don't, then listen next time because they do. Every time they ask that I think to myself what does it really matter; they are going to put it in a crappy paper cup with a "recycled" sleeve and a lid that manages to never stay on anyways. So I got to thinking well maybe they ask because they are performing some statistical analysis which the nerd in me can appreciate, or maybe they really do give you some fancy mug with some poetic verse written across the side. So this morning when I was asked, "For here or to go?" I answered, "I don't know, you tell me." I think my curiosity must have come across in an almost flirtatious manner because next thing I know the server is leaning over the bar whispering in my ear, "Always say to go...it will save you the tax." It was like a bizarre, seductive, serenading that went on this morning at The Coffee Bean in Brentwood, or maybe it is just the most action I have seen from a man in a while. Either way, always say TO GO. It will save you the tax!

The ID

When a male bartender IDs a woman do you think it's really because they want to know how old the chick they are serving is? Well of course it is! Think about it, male bartenders tend to be between the ages of 22-29, attractive, and SINGLE. If you're over 30 and you're still a bartender it's because you've failed in life. If you are not attractive and you're still a bartender it's because you are in some seedy bar and you've failed at bar tending; and if you are in a relationship and you are still a bartender then she is cheating and you've failed at a relationship. Thus, when a male bartender IDs the hott chick before him it's not to see if they are 21, it's just to simply see what they are working with. It's brilliant, due to the fact that it has become increasingly more difficult to determine a woman's age. Especially in the "cougar" filled city of Los Angeles where Botox and Lipo are done as frequently as your biannual dental cleanings; and where the daddy's girl of Beverly Hills runs around with a $500 fake ID, a boob job, and sass. So next time you get carded Ladies, don't flatter yourself. Unless you look like Miley Ray Cyrus, it's definitely not because they think you look younger than 21. It's because that 26 year old bartender wants to know if he's going back and rockin' the cradle, or if he's going back to your kid and actually rocking a cradle.

Best Friend Syndrome

Why is it that the term Best Friend has lost its meaning? A Best Friend is supposed to be singular because Best means the ultimate; it means that there can only be one. So why are people putting an "S" beind the word friend? However, you will meet these people who have 10 best friends...How? I think I have figured this mystery out and I call it best friend syndrome, and it comes in two fold. The first issue is the guy or the gal who becomes "best friends" with the person they are obsessing over. Why do we do it? Is it because we are merely settling for less and trying to find happiness in the fact that they are still apart of our lives? Or, is it because we are secretly hoping that one day we will be able to convince them otherwise and somehow manipulate them into being with us? Everyone is a victim of this at some point and to some degree, but why do we do it? Is it because we are psychotic...probably. Why would we ever want to constantly be around someone that we want as more than just a friend, but only act as their friend? It's bizarre, oxymoronic. It's social/romantic suicide. On the contrary why does the obsessed allow the obsessor to always be around. It's almost a masochistic thing we engage in. I believe that the obsessed allows the obsessor to fill that "best friend" slot for the moment in order to fulfill their own ego. Why not, you have someone that worships you and is at your beck and call, so why not abuse them? Makes sense... Healthy, right. What we should be doing is removing ourselves from them completely. It should be an all or nothing engagement, and if it's not all then move on. You have to; and honestly do you really need another "Best Friend?" The answer is: No You Do Not. Just be cordial but curt and move on.
The second fold is even more pathetic. The guy or the gal who cannot become best friends with the person they are obsessing over, so they now become best friends with their friends. OY VEY. There are specific situations where circles collided prior, where you were friends before the obsession, yada yada...I know there are extenuating circumstances. However, for the most part the next stalking step is to become "best friends" with their obsession's friends. Why do we do it? Is it because we think if we get their approval then our "beloved" will approve of us? Or, is it because we are trying to make them jealous and we think that this will provoke them? Who knows but we do it, and it really doesn't work.

Moral of the story is find a best friend, find one of them, and make sure that that person wants to be your best friend. This part is pretty important. But really, just don't be a fucking idiot.

The Ode to .99 cents store

That leads me into our .99 cent economic theory. Of course our economy if fucked up, we have things like.....99 cent stores. What was the point in leaving that one cent out. It's not like America is running out of one dollar bills. Every other country can't even break their currency into .99 cents. What are they gonna do bite off a piece of the dollar coin? Yet we somehow find that if we give our consumers smaller amounts to spend, and they can engage in the act of handing over a "bill" they will feel as though they have purchasing power. Bizarre. I am no longer puzzled as to why our economy has gone to shit.

Comment?Please

Elijah

I think next year I am going to send a stripper to my parents Seder and have her answer the door as Elijah...the prophet

The Feingold Family Values

Perhaps it is our father, the space cadet hippie that goes by the alias name "Frisbee;" but the Feingolds seem to find blogging to be a better source of therapy then the $1,500 an hour session with some bijoux therapist or the $60.00 a week we all know we spend on our pot fix.

Check out my brother's blog http://www.billyfeingold.wordpress.com

Cheers

Farfel Kugel

So there really is nothing wrong with Non-Jews (aka Goys) coming to a passover Seder. I honestly could give a shit, but what drives me insane is when they want to know "your" story. You know those stupid ignorant questions that they just ask to pretend like they care."Why do you eat a big saltine?" It's not a saltine... Let's get real they don't really care. Honestly, I don't even care. We all know you are just there for the food and the booze, and because you secretly wish you were Jewish. I can't say I blame you. It's like when I grew up in Dallas non-Jews would ask me,"So do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" Yes I celebrate Thanksgiving you fucking idiots it's an American Holiday.

So I went to this Seder last night, which was actually a beautiful Seder, but what is it with Jews and their need to out vocalize each other. I mean I know I'm probably the worst of them all, but whose brilliant idea was it to make group or congregational reading? It's like let's get a group of already loud aggressive Jews together and then try to get them to be even more obnoxious then they already are.

Then you have the Jewish girls who complain about not being able to eat bread and constantly talk about how they can't eat bread for 8 days. Come on girls, we know most of you don't even eat bread anyways; and FYI it's not a NO CARB holiday so stop using this as a forum to pretend like you eat whatever you want yet are still a size zero. For those of you who really can eat whatever you want and still look like a mannequin...Mazel Tov because mannequins are fucking hott.

Pussy Febreeze

I would love if there was a product called Pussy Febreeze and I could have an ad for it on the side of my blog. They would sell it in CVS right next to the KY. Blue light special isle 5 PUSSY FEBREEZE

A Duck's Opinion of you is based soley..

On whether or not you have bread. Interesting right. A duck does not care who the fuck you are. They just want to know whether or not you have bread. So Figure out what a guy/girl is wanting and get it for them, or leave him/her the fuck alone. For example my opinion of you is based solely on whether or not you are funny. So if you are tool or just annoying..I'm just not going to like you. Just like the duck...if you don't have bread it does not give a fuck.

The Ejaculation Rationale Theory

So some may say that there is this chemical reaction that takes place in a woman's body when she has sex with someone for the first time. I tend to disagree. Actually I completely disagree. Women are completely and totally chemically imbalanced as it is anyways. I think the real explanation for the "Stage 5 clinger" is what I call "The Ejaculation Rationale Theory."

It goes as follows: When a guy likes a girl, they JUST want to sleep with her, period end of story. It is as simple as that. If you think otherwise then you're foolishly mistaken, and you my dear are the reason why men think women are crazy. So just stop, wake-up, and GET WITH THE PROGRAM because you are fucking all of us! So back to my point. When a guy likes a girl he is going to do anything and everything in his power to have sex with her, and most of the time he is not going to stop until he does. It's that "animal instinct" in them...or whatever the fuck you want to call it. The guy is going to say whatever, do whatever, and act however he has to. The desperate girl is going to just go home with the guy the second he shows her any attention. Guys you better hope that she is blackout because otherwise you are going to be dealing with a nut job. Any girl that sleeps with a guy right after meeting him (again unless totally blackout) is desperate and going to stalk you, so get ready. The other girl is going to play the whole "I'm not going to sleep him right away and make him work for it" game.So the theory continues. Before the first ejaculation most women are "rational" they won't sleep with the guy because they know that he just wants sex. They know that the shit he is saying is bull shit and he really probably does not even know what he is saying. The guy on the other hand just wants to sleep with the girl. So he texts her, and feeds her all the bull shit to get her in bed. So it's now 2 weeks later and the girl decides to sleep with him because its not 1940 and we aren't Morman.So unless you're Amish or have aids or something welcome to the wonderful world of sex. She's so happy she waited...right. Intercourse takes place and upon ejaculation bada bing bada boom roles reverse. The irrational guy who was saying things he definitely did not mean and the rational girl who was holding out until he was "worthy" of sex have now switched spots within a matter of seconds. The girl is now completely and totally irrational. "Oh I'm so glad I waited now he respects me and this is going to be great. We are in love." The guy on the other hand is rational, "Why the fuck did that take so long. Finally, she was beginning to drive me nuts. She better not expect to cuddle," etc.

Biggest lesson learned: The guy is not going after you per se they are going after the chase, the unattainable. Ladies if a guy likes you he WILL LET YOU KNOW. Please please stop with the whole, "well he said he was going to call me but he got really busy, and then he had to cancel because he napped too long and his phone went dead while he was napping. However, I was the first person he said hi to when he walked in tonight so he MUST still like me." Oh and please stop showing up places where they are. Trust me they know why you are there and you just look ridiculous. Same goes for guys, but men look even more pathetic. At least we know women are nuts. Moral of the story or theory is don't be an idiot.

MY FIRST POST

I am using this blog as a forum for my own personal discussion. Some may call it a diary, but I'll just call it verbal diarrhea. The posts, while they probably won't have any significant meaning (at all), they certainly will be enlightening and mildly entertaining. Why do I call my blog the smorgasbord you might ask. Easy, because it's is simply one of the greatest words in our English dictionary. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is in the dictionary, but it does best describe the unorganized, chaotic, and somewhat psychotic mind of Leah Feingold. Either way if you do happen to stumble across my blog let me know what you think.