Toilet Paper Roll On Top Of Empty Roll

When the toilet paper runs out you will obviously not change the roll...that would just be silly! Instead, you will place the brand new roll on top of the empty cardboard cylinder that resides on your toilet paper dispenser. AND (most likely) that cardboard cylinder has been chillin there for what has now been multiple toilet paper exchanges. If what I have just described sounds all too foreign to you, perhaps even a little shocking, then you lead an unbearably rigid life...so for you I have provided a clip-art exhibit of this mastery.
Yes, that's right...MASTERY. What you see above takes skill, precision, and a comprehensive knowledge of true laziness. Do you have any idea the level of focus it takes to get the bulky, weighted, fresh roll to stay atop of the empty cardboard without it rolling off?? Okay, let's be honest...not much, but there is something to be said for the fact that it's like these dispensers were manufactured in such a way that they are suited to hold toilet paper not fastened in the dispenser. Huge fan of options...gotta love options. So why do we do this??? Why do we not simply remove the empty roll and replace is with the fresh roll?? This confusion only becomes more baffling when you consider the idea what we are sitting on the toilet and our hands have absolutely nothing to do...now that's what I call discipline in the art of laziness at its best. After fully pondering this subject and since I cannot call on the resting soul of Aristotle (I tried, he didn't answer)...I have come to the conclusion that this is just one of those ever-eternal questions that will remain unanswered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y

For Here or to go

So I am not sure if it's just a California thing, but you know when you go to get your coffee in the morning and they ask you, "For here or to go?" Well if you don't, then listen next time because they do. Every time they ask that I think to myself what does it really matter; they are going to put it in a crappy paper cup with a "recycled" sleeve and a lid that manages to never stay on anyways. So I got to thinking well maybe they ask because they are performing some statistical analysis which the nerd in me can appreciate, or maybe they really do give you some fancy mug with some poetic verse written across the side. So this morning when I was asked, "For here or to go?" I answered, "I don't know, you tell me." I think my curiosity must have come across in an almost flirtatious manner because next thing I know the server is leaning over the bar whispering in my ear, "Always say to go...it will save you the tax." It was like a bizarre, seductive, serenading that went on this morning at The Coffee Bean in Brentwood, or maybe it is just the most action I have seen from a man in a while. Either way, always say TO GO. It will save you the tax!

The ID

When a male bartender IDs a woman do you think it's really because they want to know how old the chick they are serving is? Well of course it is! Think about it, male bartenders tend to be between the ages of 22-29, attractive, and SINGLE. If you're over 30 and you're still a bartender it's because you've failed in life. If you are not attractive and you're still a bartender it's because you are in some seedy bar and you've failed at bar tending; and if you are in a relationship and you are still a bartender then she is cheating and you've failed at a relationship. Thus, when a male bartender IDs the hott chick before him it's not to see if they are 21, it's just to simply see what they are working with. It's brilliant, due to the fact that it has become increasingly more difficult to determine a woman's age. Especially in the "cougar" filled city of Los Angeles where Botox and Lipo are done as frequently as your biannual dental cleanings; and where the daddy's girl of Beverly Hills runs around with a $500 fake ID, a boob job, and sass. So next time you get carded Ladies, don't flatter yourself. Unless you look like Miley Ray Cyrus, it's definitely not because they think you look younger than 21. It's because that 26 year old bartender wants to know if he's going back and rockin' the cradle, or if he's going back to your kid and actually rocking a cradle.

Best Friend Syndrome

Why is it that the term Best Friend has lost its meaning? A Best Friend is supposed to be singular because Best means the ultimate; it means that there can only be one. So why are people putting an "S" beind the word friend? However, you will meet these people who have 10 best friends...How? I think I have figured this mystery out and I call it best friend syndrome, and it comes in two fold. The first issue is the guy or the gal who becomes "best friends" with the person they are obsessing over. Why do we do it? Is it because we are merely settling for less and trying to find happiness in the fact that they are still apart of our lives? Or, is it because we are secretly hoping that one day we will be able to convince them otherwise and somehow manipulate them into being with us? Everyone is a victim of this at some point and to some degree, but why do we do it? Is it because we are psychotic...probably. Why would we ever want to constantly be around someone that we want as more than just a friend, but only act as their friend? It's bizarre, oxymoronic. It's social/romantic suicide. On the contrary why does the obsessed allow the obsessor to always be around. It's almost a masochistic thing we engage in. I believe that the obsessed allows the obsessor to fill that "best friend" slot for the moment in order to fulfill their own ego. Why not, you have someone that worships you and is at your beck and call, so why not abuse them? Makes sense... Healthy, right. What we should be doing is removing ourselves from them completely. It should be an all or nothing engagement, and if it's not all then move on. You have to; and honestly do you really need another "Best Friend?" The answer is: No You Do Not. Just be cordial but curt and move on.
The second fold is even more pathetic. The guy or the gal who cannot become best friends with the person they are obsessing over, so they now become best friends with their friends. OY VEY. There are specific situations where circles collided prior, where you were friends before the obsession, yada yada...I know there are extenuating circumstances. However, for the most part the next stalking step is to become "best friends" with their obsession's friends. Why do we do it? Is it because we think if we get their approval then our "beloved" will approve of us? Or, is it because we are trying to make them jealous and we think that this will provoke them? Who knows but we do it, and it really doesn't work.

Moral of the story is find a best friend, find one of them, and make sure that that person wants to be your best friend. This part is pretty important. But really, just don't be a fucking idiot.

The Ode to .99 cents store

That leads me into our .99 cent economic theory. Of course our economy if fucked up, we have things like.....99 cent stores. What was the point in leaving that one cent out. It's not like America is running out of one dollar bills. Every other country can't even break their currency into .99 cents. What are they gonna do bite off a piece of the dollar coin? Yet we somehow find that if we give our consumers smaller amounts to spend, and they can engage in the act of handing over a "bill" they will feel as though they have purchasing power. Bizarre. I am no longer puzzled as to why our economy has gone to shit.

Comment?Please

Elijah

I think next year I am going to send a stripper to my parents Seder and have her answer the door as Elijah...the prophet